I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
