What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
