so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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