He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
