My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
