Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
