Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
