I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
