I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
