i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Someone shattered a urinal.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
