my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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