I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
only you would photoshop your dick
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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