he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
