Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
