she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
