I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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