Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
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