twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
