So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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