But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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