NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
