Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
