like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
