my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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