So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
