the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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