Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
