Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
