Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
