i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
