I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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