Your face is a jimmy john
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
