I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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