I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
