Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
