come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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