can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
