I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
