I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
