It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
