you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
