I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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