Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
