I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
