Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
there's paper in my vomit.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
