Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
