i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
