so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
