you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
