I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
