I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
