True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
