Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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