my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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