all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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