I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
