I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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