i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
