I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
