You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
