Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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