Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
