Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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